ごめん, 兄

Dear You, my best Friend, One of my Best supporter ever, my alien partner, my mirror

I am sorry it didn’t end well, I am sorry. Just let you know that I never hate you. never. it was my fault. my ego was over my head. I am sorry the last thing you remember about me was anger. and lots…lots of tears. I am sorry for being a burden. for being soo childish. it’s me. it’s always me who mess around. other than my own family I don’t really have a best friend I can trust for long period of time. because when I happen to meet one, I messed up.

and thank you, thank you for everything. a gratitude that word couldn’t explain, you taught me lots of things. that patience will beat -even- a heart made of steel.
I know there is no way you’ll read this, I know. it’s okay. I hope there is a day I could tell you in person, how sorry I am.
maybe when you read this message and forgive me. it good enough for me.

A Woman in the cave is sneaking into society

I missed lots of events to be posted on my blog posts. I missed my little A’s birthday. missed my wedding anniv. my birth day and Big A’s birthday…. and of course I missed my current bussiness progress.

the truth is that the progress of my crochet bussiness is overwhelming for both of my hands hehe. I couldn’t take a single seconds flip of my hands. and the piles of orders keep my hands busy. so I have to manage time wisely. I am the only person who runs my own company (wkwkwk… the words company sounds toooo good, but hope so) I am the one who take the order, who do the order, and I also do the marketing job and publication. I am the photographer, I am the writter, literally I am the ‘everything’ in my company. I don’t have a time to post. to update status on my facebook account as often as before, just a glance on recipe posts and FB’s feed 10 minutes before I fell asleep. that in my case fell asleep beautifuly every night is a rare ocation, because I used to wake up with hook still in my hand and yarn was all over my body… so, for the past 2-3 months, sleeping 8 hours a day is a luxury I cannot afford. and I start to realize that if I keep this habbit I will not make to my 50th birthday. hahahaa.. but I do want to expand this bussiness. so I am recruiting a crocheter. but finding a person who crochet the way we do is not easy. because it’s personal. and it’s in my brand…. (oh gosh I am talking about brand. who am I??? Robert Kiyosaki??? hahahaha) but I’ll find a way.

all in all, I am trying to survive now, survive the obstacles to reach my big dreams. and it’s hectic, time and energy consuming, but i will survive, somehow with the help of God. I might not be able to post as much as I did, but I’ll make my time to keep up…


[story] perfect?

I was stroling out of youtube videos when I found that there are lots of negative even rude and offensive comments on almost every videos. Even something like card making DIY videos got some negative comments.

Anf not just in youtube. We could find the same people scater on every social medias nowadays..

I just… I don’t get it. How those offensive and rude words somehow delight the writer. How does it feels to make other people feel bad and down. Does it feels great?? And some other people tend to reply with another more horrible way possible -especialy for something sensitive like religion etc.

Moslem always being issued lots of times(massively)  since 9/11 tragedy. they point their finger to all of the moslem living in this earth without knowing who we really are. without asking is it Islam asked us (moslem) to do the same thing to all the non-moslem. do our religion teach us violence. No. They didn’t ask at all, they just observe from far away, read our holy book without any assist from moslem who know the Qur’an better, and the result is, they play on our holy book and recite it carelessly just to humiliate our religion and prophet. and sometimes they also recite from a fake hadits. Continue reading

Oh…so called Country

There was a saying, a quotation by former President of USA, ‘don’t think about what your country give you, think about what you can give for your country’ what a nice and beautiful words,yes??

But, first, you have to know the clear definition of what so called the bigest entity in this earth. and what’s the responsibility to it’s people.

According to Charles E. Merriem in “The Making of Citizens: A Comparative Study of Methods of Civic Training” (1961), there a five functions of the country :
  • To give justice
  • Give the protection to the citizen (both who live inside the teritory or abroad)
  • Deffense
  • Cariying out demolition
  • Welfare of the people

Continue reading

Forever be my biggest supporter, even while he sleep

Here I am, 4.30 PM in my workplace, uploading this and that, checking here and there out of internet stuffs. Sitting on the chair behind me is my biggest supporter. waiting and sleeping. so tired of work, had to go everywhere, around the city today.

Just there, around me. and everything seems so complete. having you as my supporter feels like I already have the whole world. Thank you, A. I don’t know how to express it. but, I never doubt that I am one of the luckiest woman on earth. and I love you.


It is not possible to deal with all the things in our life. Good and bad things always around and we don’t have forever to deal it one by one everyday. so, If there are things that upset you, let you down, or when you are being issued by people around you. Let them deal with it. make your time to be positive, deal with things that give you strength, make you a better person. and let other be.

move forward and Let-It-Go is the key to everlasting happiness…… Yaaaayyyyy…..


Why is it So Hard to FALL IN LOVE

I am a teacher, you know that. a programming teacher. I can hardly become a professional programmer, because, one thing. I have a difficulties to ‘value’ my work. When I work on something, I’ll ask other people about that kind of ‘value’.. hahahaaaaa. Then I don’t think I can become one of that professional kinda person. Besides I am a woman who do something based on feelings. irrational, yes. But I can’t be somewhere I’m not comfortable. and it also goes on learning. I can’t learn something I don’t like to learn. But, Thank God I attracted to many things, and I have a curiosity trait on me. that’s my positive point. I love to learn. everything. anything.

I fall in love to science. I always wondering how gasoline can move that machine, how steam can transform to be electricity, how to extract electricity from water(not by taking the hydrogen), how to crochet, how people talk to each other in different languages, what is the ‘real’ history of human race, how the universe, how is other planet environment, is alien happen to exist?? questions of everything always buzzing inside  my head, and I got lots of difficulties to get rid of it. But again, love of science that force me to look for the answer. and Love also the only thing who make me learn Computer engineering instead of English literature. I love English, but I feel that me and computer is meant to be…hahahahhaaaa Continue reading

[story] Peeping up my back


Sometimes, I think, it was okay to peeping up on the box loaded by the memories I try to lock. And everytime I tried to look back, I found that I am so lucky that I’ve been trough worse and worst events and I am now alive and happy. I’ve got myself upside down just to hold onto my life and love, tried to hold it really hard and hurt myself lots of times. I was begged, I was crawl on the ground, I swallow my pride,nothing is left for me to brag about, thought that I could make it last forever, hope that he’ll finally realize that I am the only one who could love him that much. But then finally I found myself on the desert, being left and alone. found that I fought for nothing. And I was there, alone, in pain. But that was long time ago, before ‘A’ came back and save me. took me out from my worst and hold my hands helped me to stand. and everything has changed since then, my life comes back to it’s path.

It’s okay to look back, to see that God saved me from what I couldn’t handle, that He gave me an angel with his sharp eyes and gorgeous smile, an angel that save me lots lots of times. An angel named M. Arif Rahman.




A year has passed in a blink of eyes. it is a wonderful journey. On our first anniversary,our little A already 2 months old and the day will be just perfect with him around. For us, It’s not just a journey as a married couple, but more like a journey of a decade relationship that keep us together since my Brother introduced me to his close friend at 10 Juli 2005. How do I describe him ??? At the first sight, I thought he is a jerk. But, the weird thing was that I couldn’t put my icy face on him. I always have a hard time when it comes to strangers, I used to be cold and put myself in a distance and ignore their existence. But it doesn’t work on him. as a stranger we kept talk, and teased one another, and we managed to exchange jacket and beanie when we were at Mountain . hahahahhaaaa….. You know hate and attraction are as thin as air. Did I just admit my sin??? that I was attracted to him since the day we met?? oh…crap… yes.. I did. Happy now Mr. A. that I finally tell you that I was attracted to you, no… not before you show me your gentle, care towards me. not before you kept holding my hands even tough the roads no longer up hill. Continue reading

[crochet] Seventh Month pregnancy and a Baby Blanket Project

it’s my seventh month of pregnancy. And it’s been soooo good with him around.. I always come to the doctor once in a month, to check up on my baby and my condition. I was having a hard time in the first three months of my pregnancy, morning sickness, I didn’t have any appetite on food ( I even lost 1 Kg each month) , over sensitive, I can’t smell anything or else I will vomit, I can’t taste something so strong, emotional, hard to had a sleep in the night but lied down on bed when morning came. I hate to see my kitchen, or the smell of onion, soap, or parfume. Mr. A had to use the perfume outside the house because I just couldn’t stand the smell. but since the end of fourth month, everything was getting better. Continue reading